SantaClaus. What more can I say about this gift-giving night rider? This champion of charity, this toy-toting Titan, this chubby-chasing cookie fiend and potential peeping Tom? You know his name; you know his address; and now, thanks to us, you can know his cell phone number. That’s right, kids. Just call 772-257-4060 to hear a special recorded message from one of the world’s most famous fat men, second only to John Candy. From “Uncle Buck?” What do you mean you haven't seen it? How old are you?! Seven??

Anyway, Santa has been having a tough couple of years. You may not know this, but jolly old St. Nick was very heavily invested in Enron so his toy shop has come very close to shipping out its last Tickle-me Elmo. And we won’t even talk about the tax evasion and stalking investigations (but seriously, how else do you think he sees you when you're sleeping?). Why do you think he lives up at the North Pole in international territory? For the scenery? You didn’t hear this from me, but don’t be surprised if Santa has to make a few changes to the way he does things this Christmas. It may not be wise of him to show himself in public right now, but don’t worry, kids. You’ll still get all the video games, mp3 players, and snuggies you can handle. Santa may be down, but he’s never out.

Whip out your phones and start dialing today if you want to make sure you get through in time. Santa is a busy man and probably won’t have time to return your calls. Ever. Seriously, his voicemail system is a black hole. But that doesn’t mean he won’t listen. And who knows, you just may end up with that Red Ryder BB Gun you’ve been having wet dreams about since you were a 7-year-old boy watching classic Christmas movies with excessive narration on your grandparents’ cathode ray tube television.

Until I shoot my eye out,

DeVon