Merry Christmahanukwanzaakah, everyone! I know there are lots of different people of different cultures and faiths in this country, so I want to try to be as inclusive of all of you as possible. December is a very festive time of year where we all come together in a multicultural display of holiday cheer and humanity! But, let’s not kid ourselves, America. We all know who the real winter-time gift-giving holiday winner is, don’t we? Sure, those other holidays have their virtues, but how many shopping malls are blaring the Dreidel Song in the middle of December? Malls that don’t have a Long Island zip code, that is. And how much do you actually know about Kwanzaa? I mean, really? Is there a tree or something? I’ve been African American for 24 years (I was actually black for about three of those years) andI still have to Google the dates!
Anyway, we all know that Christmas is the star of the holiday season whether we admit it or not. You can gather all the dreidels and menorahs and Kwanzaa…candles (seriously, I know NOTHING about this holiday! WTF!) that you want, but you are NOT taking on Christmas. This isn’t even about religion. It’s pure, unadulterated, greed-fueled capitalism. And that beats everything. Especially religion. Imagine you were playing a friendly game of Rock, Paper, Nuclear Bomb with a friend. Christmas capitalism would be nuclear bomb. Nothing beats it. The only way to win is to keep using nuclear bomb on each other until one of you loses consciousness from sleep deprivation or stupidity.
If you think about it, it doesn’t make much sense: Hanukkah is eight straight days of gifts. Kwanzaa…well, let’s say it has eight, too. Who really knows? But Christmas is just ONE day. ONE DAY! Those other holidays should be EIGHT TIMES better (if I did my math right, that is)! But they’re not! Why? Because, unlike those other wannabes, Christmas has been whored out like a 15-year-old ladyboy from Thailand (It’s true! Look it up!). What was once a one day Christian celebration has become a jolly, month-long orgy by hundreds of godless corporations trying to milk your money tits the second you put down that turkey leg. And this is why Christmas pwns: sponsorship. Maybe if Hanukkah could get an endorsement from someone other than Adam Sandler, we’d be waiting for Hanukkah Harry (772-257-4489) to slide down our chimneys this season. But I wouldn't hold my breath.
Until I meet an angry Kwanzaa celebrant,