It’s late January and while some of us are busy dealing with
the “shocking” realization that we just don’t have the willpower to go through
with our New Year’s resolutions, the rest of us are preparing the way for
another year of mediocrity and disappointment. Of course that year doesn’t
officially begin until Groundhog Day, the most mediocre holiday since Penguin
Awareness Day (That’s real! Look it up!). It’s a holiday that even its official
mascot says is stupid and outdated. Call 781-452-0837 to hear why now.
But why is it such a stupid holiday? Maybe because we just
don’t recognize the modern day significance of the groundhog. You may not know
this, but the groundhog is an animal that has been revered through time. The
ancient Babylonians believed it could ward away evil spirits with a sideways
glance from just one of those beady
little eyes. It was a symbol of good luck and prosperity and its poop was used
in all of the most popular dishes. In ancient Babylon there were entire restaurants
dedicated to groundhog poop. You think
Arby’s is a new concept? Nope. Thank the ancient Babylonians. The ancient
Greeks after them believed the groundhog was possessed of magical powers that
would cure people of their diseases and insanity. They were often kept in homes
as pets and when they died, they were drained of their bodily fluids and placed
above the doorframes in order to keep everyone in the household in good health.
Of course nowadays, with all our advanced science and technology, we know better.
A groundhog can cure my cold about as well as he can get rid of the poltergeist
in my bathroom that haunts that area under the sink that no one really uses.
Yes, we in the modern world know what the groundhog is really good for:
predicting the weather. With just a peek at its shadow, the groundhog has the
ability to keep us drinking hot cocoa and wearing Uggs (they’re not just for girls, Dad!) for several
weeks longer than we would have otherwise expected. Hold on to your ass, Al Roker.
Punxatawney Phil is gunning for your f***ing job and he doesn’t need a blue
screen, some fancy degree from a meteorology school, OR stomach staples. Just
give him a flat surface and a floor lamp and BAM! He’s gonna predict the hell
out of that weather! I guess what I’m trying to say is that even though the
holiday itself might be lame, the almost magical ability of the groundhog to
accurately predict our weather is something that we should give more attention.
And the groundhog’s powers may not stop at predicting the weather. I have a theory that they can control it, too. Think about it! Groundhogs can put an
end to global warming with just the power of their shadows! We need more
groundhog presence. Pulling one out of a hole once a year is just not enough.
We need a groundhog president right now! And if you’re still not fully
convinced of that, you need to call 781-452-0837. Listen to him. His wisdom is
infinite. Punxatawney Phil in 2012, baby! Let’s put a groundhog in the White
Until the effects of this groundhog poop burrito wear off,