It’s late January and while some of us are busy dealing with the “shocking” realization that we just don’t have the willpower to go through with our New Year’s resolutions, the rest of us are preparing the way for another year of mediocrity and disappointment. Of course that year doesn’t officially begin until Groundhog Day, the most mediocre holiday since Penguin Awareness Day (That’s real! Look it up!). It’s a holiday that even its official mascot says is stupid and outdated. Call 781-452-0837 to hear why now.

But why is it such a stupid holiday? Maybe because we just don’t recognize the modern day significance of the groundhog. You may not know this, but the groundhog is an animal that has been revered through time. The ancient Babylonians believed it could ward away evil spirits with a sideways glance from just one of those beady little eyes. It was a symbol of good luck and prosperity and its poop was used in all of the most popular dishes. In ancient Babylon there were entire restaurants dedicated to groundhog poop.  You think Arby’s is a new concept? Nope. Thank the ancient Babylonians. The ancient Greeks after them believed the groundhog was possessed of magical powers that would cure people of their diseases and insanity. They were often kept in homes as pets and when they died, they were drained of their bodily fluids and placed above the doorframes in order to keep everyone in the household in good health. Of course nowadays, with all our advanced science and technology, we know better. A groundhog can cure my cold about as well as he can get rid of the poltergeist in my bathroom that haunts that area under the sink that no one really uses. Yes, we in the modern world know what the groundhog is really good for: predicting the weather. With just a peek at its shadow, the groundhog has the ability to keep us drinking hot cocoa and wearing Uggs (they’re not just for girls, Dad!) for several weeks longer than we would have otherwise expected. Hold on to your ass, Al Roker. Punxatawney Phil is gunning for your f***ing job and he doesn’t need a blue screen, some fancy degree from a meteorology school, OR stomach staples. Just give him a flat surface and a floor lamp and BAM! He’s gonna predict the hell out of that weather! I guess what I’m trying to say is that even though the holiday itself might be lame, the almost magical ability of the groundhog to accurately predict our weather is something that we should give more attention. And the groundhog’s powers may not stop at predicting the weather. I have a theory that they can control it, too. Think about it! Groundhogs can put an end to global warming with just the power of their shadows! We need more groundhog presence. Pulling one out of a hole once a year is just not enough. We need a groundhog president right now! And if you’re still not fully convinced of that, you need to call 781-452-0837. Listen to him. His wisdom is infinite. Punxatawney Phil in 2012, baby! Let’s put a groundhog in the White House!

Until the effects of this groundhog poop burrito wear off,

DeVon