Mother’s Day is here again. Time to thank the woman who gavebirth to you, clothed and fed you, fought the monsters in your closet,took you to prom… Okay, forget I said that last thing. You get thepoint, though. You have to go all out for mother’s day. No Olive Gardengift cards or homemade potholders decorated with finger paints. Savethat crap for Father’s Day. This woman gave birth to you. Have you everseen a live birth?? It’s a Lovecraftian horror fest that’ll leave youhunched up in the corner, crying in a puddle of your own piss! Sure,maybe she was able to regain her figure, but that vagina is eternallywrecked. Just do a size comparison: you, the newly born version of you,the size of a ripe spring watermelon, forcing your way through anopening the size of a very frightened lemon (depending on your mom’ssocial life, of course). That’s like sh*tting a bowling ball with legs!
So, to repay this woman for the pain you’ve caused her before,during, and long, long after birth you’ve got to present her withsomething special. (Warning: shameless plug ahead) Like a phone number.Specifically one of these: 202-629-9227, 202-629-9229, or 202-629-9231.They’re all made for Mother’s Day, but some may be funnier than others.Just let me know which one you like more by adding a comment or two. Oryou can comment just to say hi. It gets lonely here in this cold, emptycorner of the internet…
Anyway, I know what you’re thinking: “You practicallyjust told me to go into bankruptcy to repay Mom for being my promdate…er…caretaker. Now you’re telling us to just have her call somephone number?? WTF??” First of all, the gift of laughter is the mostprecious gift of all…according to our guys in marketing. Secondly, Ididn’t tell you to only give her a phone number. I just didn’tmention anything else… How about a hug? Flowers? Maybe some breakfastin bed? A day without having to shoulder the oppressive burden of therest of her family? Unless your mom is a frigid ice queen, she’llappreciate these small tokens of affection. Of course, as I’m sureshe’ll quickly let you know, she would appreciate some new jewelry evenmore. Oh, yeah. She’d appreciate the hell outta that. So dig deep,people.
Until Mom says I can't play on the internet anymore,